What if writing were like football?

moss

I often find that I get approached by strangers (98% men) who start talking to me like we were already in the middle of a conversation…a conversation about football. These conversations often start with something like, “Can you believe those calls they made last night?” or “How do you think (insert guy’s name I wouldn’t recognize anyway here)’s injury will affect the rest ofthe season for (insert team name that I thought was actually in a different city)?” Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I am not an elitist who thinks organized sports are beneath him nor am I that kid who played with dolls instead of footballs growing up. I can sit down and watch most sporting events and know 90% of what is going on (that is unless they changed the rules since the last time I watched). I’m not even one of those people that despises sports because the players get paid too much, blah blah blah, who are our kids looking up to, etc etc etc. No, the reason for my disinterest in watching football results from the format in which it is presented. To demonstrate this I would like to write you a story in the format in which football is presented:

Swirling mist rolled around the frost bitten earth. Its tendrils stretched across the graveyard reaching each tombstone, crypt, and monument with ease. The air hung heavy with the familiar but uninviting smell of decay. Autumn was in its final days and winter was soon to be at hand. Leaves, sodden with rain, piled themselves in every corner of the graveyard. Fallen branches from storms long since past laid carelessly across two hundred year old headstones.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

*The author has called for a time out as he does not know what to write next…*
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|
This was a graveyard that time had forgotten. Friends and family members who came to lay flowers on these graves now had graves of their own. So it was a curious thing when Ridgewell Brimble was called to supervise the burial of an unnamed individual nearly 73 kilometers from his home in Bristol. He politely accepted his new assignment willingly eager to enjoy a weekend away from the habits of his daily life.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|
*Are you satisfied with your car insurance/phone plan/health care services?*
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|
The journey to Crintley Hollow was uneventful until the last 3 km. Ridgewell was flagged down by an elderly woman who looked as though she were in distress. He rolled down his window, “Can I help you Mum?” he said as he approached the woman. “I was just walking down the road ‘ere when I sees you coming straight at me and I gets to thinking. ‘What’s a nice lad doing coming down this road ‘ere for?” “Well, mum, I have a job just near here that I am here to supervise.”
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|
In other book updates, Juliet is still dead……..Aslan just rose from the stone table…..and more about the Potter kid and his horcruxes as soon as this story finishes.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|

|
Let’s take a moment here and really analyze what has happened. Now if I slow down the last few sentences you will see there are multiple references that this story may be taking place in England. Notice here, here and here the author has clearly made several spelling and grammatical errors. Not a wise move on his part, we’ll just see how this pans out with the critics. Yes, we are now getting several Twitter feeds. @bookandcatlover says “you talk a big game but clearly you are not delivering” while @bella4ever says, “I’ve seen fewer elipses in a game of pac-man.” Clearly the author has had a rough start but we’ll see if he can deliver in the next chapter.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|

|

|

|

|

|

|
Is it over? Wait, who was the main character? I think there was a story but I forget how it started. Can you remind me? Oh, screw it….I’ll just catch the highlights tonight on the news.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s